There You Are Christmas!

I'm not sure how I pulled it off. As I sit here and type, I gaze off and see a candle burning next to a plate of frosting covered sugar cookies alongside a cup of milk. The kids are in bed, but just before they scooted off to their cozy flannels, MiniMe who believes in Santa with highest regards made sure everything was set up for him when he makes his stop here at our farm. Even Yooper Jr. played along with the idea of Saint Nick bringing his sleigh and reindeer down from the skies onto the hay field next to our house. He even updated me where Santa might be from a website he found that lists his approximate destinations.

And I'm not really sure how I pulled this Christmas off. How I bought presents and scurried around preparing and contemplating what the kids would like making sure there would be some big smiles and happy kids come Christmas morning. A week ago I was up in our bathroom lying on the cool tile floor after just vomiting again and again. Now nauseated I laid there beginning to cry wondering how on earth I would accomplish all the things I needed and wanted to do before the 25th. The crying just made me feel worse and soon I was holding onto the toilet again. Did I mention how so very sick I was? I don't believe I had been that sick since I came down with giardia when I was three or four years old. It was awful. Theeee absolute pits.

Tim has been sick too. Very nauseated and fatigued. A week ago he had two separate chemotherapy treatments run through him intravenously. On top of that he started his five day course of another type of chemo that comes in an oral pill form. So last Friday after the kids hit the bus for school, we sat or pretty much laid around feeling completely useless and nauseous. What a pair we were! I lay on the couch with Ruby spooned next to me and Tim had Hope in his lap as he sat in his recliner.

How I hated being sick. How I hated the thought of both of us being so sick that neither one of us could really help one another out and make each other feel better. I've been so used to running around helping Tim along and tending to his every need just to make him feel comfortable and get through his "chemo flu". Now I was hit with this awful stomach flu. What next. I kept asking myself What Next? Why do I feel like I am being tested at every corner I turn? Because that is what it has been feeling like lately. A constant test. An ongoing battle.

But I do know this. These past few weeks there has definitely been a certain someone by my side, walking beside me, guiding me and many times probably carrying me along. Because the past weeks have been very trying for me and our family. We've been given a pretty rough road to travel and I'm wishing it would become paved pretty darn soon.

This Christmas has been unlike those in year's past. This year we didn't go as a family to find that special tree. My parents took our kids to pick out a tree for our home. Tim and I stayed home fighting nausea. This year Tim didn't help to put the tree stand on, adjusting it so the tree stood straight. This year Yooper Jr. carried the tree inside, put the stand on and declared the tree ready to be decorated. This year Tim didn't help MiniMe put the star on the top of the tree. This year he sat in his recliner and watched as Yooper Jr. and I hung the lights. This year Tim didn't do his usual Christmas shopping for me and the kids two days before the big holiday. This year I didn't make suggestions or give hints about what he could or should buy me. This year we didn't even discuss doing presents for one another. This year Tim stayed home while I hustled and bustled around shopping for him, the kids and family.

This year is so unlike Christmas's in the past. This year I'm not even sure what I am feeling. I just keep hoping and praying for better days. For better health. For Tim to feel better, feel stronger and begin living again.

The chemotherapy Tim underwent last week has really ravaged his body and he has also been fighting off some of that stomach flu I had. As if having chemo flu wasn't enough! Why not be kicked a little more while you're down right? I've been so upset he came down with the flu I had. Hasn't he had enough? Can this guy get some relief? Some comfort?

Tomorrow is Christmas and I am anxious to see the kid's faces and hear their excited voices once they begin opening their presents. Clearly it isn't about the gifts and who got what and how much and how many. I am hoping for a gift to come to make Tim feel better and get back on his feet again. I pray for healing, relief and comfort to his body and mind. To me, him feeling better and on the mend is honestly the best gift that could be given.

Merry Christmas to all of you! May we rejoice in this blessed holiday!

Ruby Tuesday ~ Sweet Dreams

What do you suppose Hope dreams of? Dog treats, chasing Ruby's bunny butt around the yard, barking at the barn cats, stealing gloves, hats, shoes from the entryway so she can wander off and chew them up?

Do you think dogs dream? I wonder if they dream of past animals they have met such as that really obnoxious cat who taunted them while staying in a kennel at a veterinary clinic. Or that snowflake that kept reappearing on their nose, one after another. Or that time they fell off the couch as they were sleeping and felt so awkward afterwards. So completely embarrassed. Humiliated. "Did I just fall off the couch?"

Or does she lie here wondering if perhaps her dog bed has gotten too small for her.

"My human washed it and look now, it shrunk!"

Quite possibly puppy, your body has quadrupled in size and your bed is now too small for your clumsy body.

I'm sure she lies here thinking about what Santa will bring her for her very first Christmas ever! Perhaps another new squeaky toy, because clearly she does not have near enough already.

And Ruby? Sweet, sweet Ruby? What do you think she is thinking about? Food? Hope? Floor crumbs? Rawhides? Moi?

"How come I get the rug and that wild and crazy beast gets my old doggy bed?"

I know she thinks of me. I'm her sole source for being of course!

Except I am sure it is more along the lines of other nearby four legged creatures.

"Human, move away from the table so I can better watch that sneaky cat slinking around."

Like I said, she's always looking out for her, I mean my best interest.

Still Here

I know I have been incognito for too long and I'm posting to let you know I'm still here and haven't jumped off a cliff or anything drastic like that. Thank you for emailing and checking in to see how things are going. I do appreciate any and all of your emails full of thoughts and prayers for me and my family.

I can't even begin to describe how life is for us right now. All I can say is it becomes so completely overwhelming at times. I'm trying to find some balance in my life between all of these roles I take on as caregiver, mother, friend, daughter. With the holidays upon us, my life has become increasingly chaotic and exhausting. And while I am not feeling the holiday bliss of year's before, I try to put away my Grinch attitude when my kids are around to keep them excited.

Tim has been having a pretty rough time lately. He has been having a difficult time weaning his body off a steroid he began months earlier during radiation. He has been having more focal seizures as well and that has really put us on the edge. He started his first round of IV chemotherapy today which will go on once every two weeks for a year. He did well today with it but the next few days will be the true test of how his body will handle all of these chemicals.

There have been so many ups and downs over the past three weeks I can only call it an emotional roller coaster ride.

I miss blogging. I miss taking pictures(I've only played with my camera a couple of times these past few weeks.) I miss my old routine. I miss alot of things. But truthfully there are not enough hours in the day to miss those things. The days seem to fly by and run right into the next.

I hope all of you are doing well and are more ready for Christmas morning than I am. I just started buying gifts yesterday and hopefully Friday we will pick up a tree to add some cheer to our home. Once again, "overwhelmed" becomes a permanent fixture of feelings for me.

On a good note, Hope has settled in and has found a good routine each day. When she isn't stealing freshly baked cookies off of the counter or wrestling with Ruby you'll find her under a blanket in Tim's lap napping along with him.

I'll leave you with this quote that was read during a recent Sunday church service I attended.

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7

Thee "I'm Sorry" Letter To My Truck

Dear Sweet Duramax,

I'm sorry for that "huge doe" that decided to jump into your path tonight and do a kamikaze run across the road in front of you.

I'm sorry it hit your front grill and busted you all up leaving pieces of you all over the road. I'm sorry I never saw it coming and had no time to react, swerve and miss it.

I'm sorry I decided to take the back roads as a shortcut home so I would be home in time to get Mini Me to her figure skating practice.

I'm sorry I screamed like a school girl when we smashed into that herbivorous creature. I mean really, really sorry, for screaming bloody heck upon impact.


I'm sorry you began spraying all of your radiator fluid onto the road like a bleeding, pumping vein.

I'm sorry your lights are now cracked but still worked so my parents could find us on the road.

I'm sorry you had to see my brother carry some of your remains from the roadway. I'm sure that made you even more sad.

But thank you sweet Duramax for all of your 103,000 miles you gave to me 100% with no complaining. Thank you for putting up with the 6000 miles I added to your odometer in two months this summer while taking care of Tim's health.

We'll get you fixed and back up and running in no time. You'll be as good as new and back on the road purring along toting your family all around.

And somehow I will deal with driving a gasser vehicle for a little while.

It's Thursday! Do You Know Where Your Turkey Is?

A very candid moment from the doggy sistas...........

They are thankful for each other and are hoping everyone who sees this will realize it was not posed and they really do tolerate each other. And yes Hope's leg is wrapped around Ruby's neck. And Yes, Ruby always looks that pathetic. Except when she is tumbling a cat.

They also would like to wish all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving and are reminding you not to feed any scraps from the table to your four legged friends.

Okay, they didn't say that. Their beloved animal doctor did.

Be thankful for this life you have been given! Be thankful for all those who share your life with you. Realize how truly blessed you really are.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Birthday Yooper Jr.!

Happy Birthday Sawyer! Where did 12 years go? It has gone by way too fast little man. You need to stop growing so fast. I can't bear the thought you will be taller than me very soon and I'll be looking up to you! And then your dad is guessing you will be taller than him too! Your feet are almost bigger than his anyway.

We love you buddy and even though we are down in North Carolina (and are not with you on your day, and I am feeling like the worst mom) we'll be celebrating your big day tomorrow with you! Just remember everyday is your birthday to us! And you can bet you will be getting something from Duke University!

Hugs! Smiles! Lot's of love sent your way!

I Heart Faces ~ Photo Challenge - Sun Flare

Captured with a Nikon D80, 85mm 1.8 lens, ISO 100, Shutter Speed 1/800, Aperture 2.8.

I haven't added an entry to one of my favorite photography websites in ages and when I saw this week's theme for sun flare I surely needed to add this favorite picture of mine. It is a picture of my daughter I took in June in our hay field one warm evening just as the sun was beginning to set. The light was perfect, my daughter was willing and despite the annoying mosquitoes that bombarded us, I was very pleased with a few shots I did capture.

I have participated in I Heart Faces quite a few times in the past, and have missed being a part of their weekly photography challenges. This site is so amazing as not only is it a fun way to see how other people with a photography bug like me take pictures but it is definitely a great place to pick up some fantastic photo taking tips.

Stop on over to I Heart Faces and see what others have entered for this week's sun flare theme.