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Two Years

Two years ago today. July 25, 2009. Hope was born and Tim was diagnosed with brain cancer. And two years later this is what real life HOPE portrays.

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Livestrong. Don't ever lose hope. Peace. And rabbit ears.

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22 Months

Yesterday was the 22 month mark for Tim. His 22 month MRI was yesterday morning. And last night we found out our 13 year old son has several cysts on his brain. Two. Not one. Two. But they are cysts and not cancer. How? What? When? Why? Oh the proverbial questions you can go crazy over asking yourself and doctors around you. Some answers. Few theories. Only to calm you and not lose hope. And I am not. We aren't.


Tim knew his son was not well at his baseball game. He seemed off. Not himself. Being a moody teenager? Perhaps but not to his dad. He just wasn't right.

Bloodwork, drug test, vitals taken, CT scan, EKG done and an MRI later those cysts are not a big problem. But they are there. They are on my son's brain, inside his skull. My firstborn. My 6 foot, 173 pound 13 1/2 year old son. Soon to be finishing 7th grade. And on his last day of school we will be heading to a well known children's hospital to find out our next step with his diagnosis.

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How does one cope with this sort of news? How do you hold on to anything now that the floor you were once feeling safer on has now been pulled out from underneath you? How do you deal with all of the irony, deja vue and surreal moments within these last 24 hours? All of a sudden you look at your son, YOUR SON and realize he has these things going on in his brain. And at the same time you look over at your husband and think "How the heck can this be happening?" This time around I do ask "Why us? Why our son? Why again?" I don't even care about wanting pity. I will have the biggest pity party ever if I want to.

My son has these cysts in his brain. Taking up space. Invading our territory. Creating grief. Fear. Hell.

However through all of this I keep telling myself IT IS NOT CANCER. They are fluid filled cysts. Probably not going to cause any harm except for a possible SEIZURE or other issues could present themselves from the pressure in his brain. Oh how that really does not comfort me all that much. I want my son to be healthy, safe and sound.

Amazingly we are all quite calm. Ironically this is because we have BEEN THROUGH this already. Tim has guided us along. He still is. Knowing what we have learned during this 22 month journey we feel we have quite the ammunition of knowledge about the brain! Funny isn't it? Crazy? Yes. I shake my head.

I feel guilty. I can't explain it. I don't get it. Nothing makes sense. And my faith in God? I don't know. I don't feel the strength. I don't feel like leaning on him. Maybe it is the 4 hours of sleep I have survived on all day. I feel empty and angry and shaking my fists at the heaven's above. Frustration. Lot's of it.

In a week we will find out our next step in this journey. Most likely in a week we will have the results of Tim's 22 month MRI available to us. And he has been doing just fine! His cholesterol levels are down! Down I say! Miraculous and done with no medication but only his strong, confident mindset. I truly love him for this. And his shoulder? His "frozen" shoulder as it has been referred to. Better. He had a MRI ( our health insurance must roll their eyes at us) which showed an injection of a steroid would surely relieve pain and relief. It is working. Things have been good. Going so well.

And then wham. Slap in the face. Punch in the gut. Not so fun times.
What a wild and crazy ride. Have I mentioned roller coasters make me feel uneasy? To hell with the roller coaster. Might as well just push me out of that plane 45,000 feet in the air.

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Facing New Obstacles

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Picture taken July of 2009 weeks before he was diagnosed with brain cancer.

It seems while our lives are settling down and becoming more and more normal, we still seem to face new obstacles that make us want to bang our heads on the wall repeatedly. What next, we ask ourselves? Haven't we been dealt with enough and all we have been through?
However, fear not, we try to look over and around these roadblocks and look for ways to make them better; to all but disappear.

Three weeks ago out of the blue Tim decided to have his cholesterol level checked before his once a month chemotherapy regime. Not expecting anything of it only wanting to know what his numbers are. And being a man in his mid-40s and having all of his other bloodwork checked over the moon and back, why not have cholesterol checked? It was something he had never, ever had checked before.
His numbers and levels came back high. Too high in fact. Well over 300 with normal being below 150. There was nothing to compare these levels to which made us wonder when and how that number came to be so high. As Tim put it that day he studied his results, "I'm a stroke and heart attack waiting to happen." And while most days he feels fine, those numbers tell him he is not.

A call down to our nurse clinician at Duke University told us his cancer situation and chemotherapy had no role in raising those numbers. And nothing out of the blue for Glioblastoma patients.

That day our eating changed. No more chips. More green veggies. Fruit. Nuts. Lower fat milk. More grains. Funny thing is you would never suspect him of having high cholesterol. Tim eats far better than I do. He is far from being overweight. He works out. I am not a fruit person. I love veggies. I should be having my levels checked.

A week and a half later he came down with a dreadful cold. Upper respiratory, sinus infection. Which always makes me fearful of pneumonia for him since his immune system struggles to regain strength. Just when he felt he was feeling like he was over it he relapsed into a worse cold. With stronger antibiotics, he is so much better. Which makes us rest easier and sleep better.

As many of you know Tim has suffered quite a bit of right side weakness from the location of the tumor(left side of brain), surgery, radiation and chemotherapy drugs. There is still an awful lot of inflammation in his brain, even 21 months later. Which brings me to this other obstacle in our path. He has been suffering from awful shoulder pain and some days, he can barely lift his arm, much less use it. Steroids always help but they don't last and days later he is in pain again. With a visit to a bone surgeon last week, x-rays and a MRI this morning we are hoping to find out a diagnosis of his chronic shoulder pain. The doctor suspects a rotator cuff tear. How and when that happened we are unsure. Did it happen after one of his many falls last year which is about when this pain began? Or did it happen during one of his focal seizures in his arm a few months after radiation? Oh how the human body can be so amazingly confusing and yet so completely amazing!

These are a few challenges we are facing right now. I hate these punches to the gut. The constant reminder of Tim's ongoing health just as we are trying to "settle" into some normalcy.
We just keep going and not let it bring us down. Tim has been through so much. I have watched him struggle so many times and so often want to be in his shoes and let him have a break from this baloney. It seems so unfair at times and makes me so angry at life. Why must we be constantly challenged? Why is this happening? So often I wonder if these challenges presented are tests and only happen to teach us more about life. Preparing us. Making us emotionally stronger and better as a person.

It is funny how you can look at life as being so unbelievably complicated and sad but then on the same token so wonderful and blessed!

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Tweaking the Blog

Please bear with me as I Spring clean my blog and edit and mess it all up. HTML coding and I? Well we are not getting along too well today.

So for now.........you will have to settle your eyes on some Edgar pictures.


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And yes, you are welcome.

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Name That Bird Who These Eggs Belong To

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Can you see them? Can you see the eggs? Do you know what type of bird laid these three speckled eggs?
When I saw these I felt Spring all around me. Grass beginning to green up. Daffodils blooming. Signs of life. Signs of new beginnings. Ducks and geese squabbling and creating racket searching for their favorite nesting spots. Frogs singing and chirping their arrival. Longer days. Brighter mornings. Smells of Spring. Ahhhh. Breathe in, breathe out. Bliss.
Have you figured out what type of bird owns this nest of eggs? And there is your clue, BIRD! Let me know in the comments what your guess may be!

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Someone Pinch Me Now!


I am so excited to announce I am the guest judge this week over on I Heart Faces! Giddy in fact! Small town girl, lover of photographer and all animals great and small featured on such a fabulous, so very popular website?? Yes! That is me! You can go to I Heart Faces and read my interview here!

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Interestingness

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You may have noticed a link called Interestingness on the link bar under my blog header. Did you click on it yet? Oui? Non? Thought so! You are probably wondering what that is by chance. If you click on it you will be directed to my Pinterest page! This is something fairly new that was created to have a place to share your love of all things. Showcase a collection of stuff you love! Clothing. Home Decor. Photography. Books. Travel. Food. Favorite websites or blogs. Crafts. Jewelry. People. Animals. Shoes. Perfume. Anything.
Forget the push pins. You won't need them here! Find something you love and with a mouse-click you can "pin-it" to your board. Forever saved. On one page right there for you.

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I am loving Pinterest and it becomes a bit addicting and unfortunately a time waster, except a fun one. Because once you find a pin on a board you like, you pin it to your board then look at someone else's pins and begin pinning more and so on. Addicting. Very much so. I am a pin-aholic.
I have seven boards ranging from clothing, to home decor, things I love, books I have read to my favorite places I have traveled to or want to travel to. I would imagine if you were planning a trip somewhere, pinning those places of interest would be so fun. Planning a renovation project? Here you go...start pinning those ideas you have!
Pinterest is by invite only but I am sure if you want to try it out you can go here or here and see if you can create your own pin board.
Happy pinning!

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