Angry. Mad at the world? Yes, sometimes. I feel anger towards this cancer that has taken over our lives.
Sadness. Sad and missing how our lives used to be. Sad and missing the normalcy of before.
Jealous. Jealous of wives with healthy husbands.
Frustrated. So much frustration, too little time to deal with it. Frustrated watching Tim struggle with his setbacks. Frustrated when he is frustrated just trying to tie his shoes.
Patient. I've become a more patient person. At least I feel stronger when I make deals with how I handle impatient moments. However..........
Impatient. When hurdles come my way I scream inside, clench my fists, breathe in, breathe out and try not to lash out to anyone around me.
Happy. Happy times when I can make Tim laugh or we actually joke about silly things such as constipation.
Fear. This is a big one. It comes and goes but is always there reminding me to stay on my toes.
Fatigued. Possibly not classified as an emotion but since it causes my mind to be, I feel it fits in this list as one. Just as Tim is, I am too. The constant running around keeping the house, our kids, the bills, animals, friends and family all in order. I can't imagine what the holidays are going to do to me.
Frazzled. I love this word, frazzled. It is fun to say but I hate its definition. I felt this way the other day when I could not find the pair of jeans I set out to wear. Little did I realize, I was already wearing them.
Numb. My mind does this. Emotions actually become numb and blind for short bits of time. I think this has to do with fatigue.
Relief. Relieved when I see Tim eating well, sleeping through the night, taking a nap, having a happy conversation with a friend, seeing him walking better, and him telling me he feels great.
Deflated. This hits me at the end of the day when I sit down to actually watch TV but can't concentrate on the screen before me. Deflation sets in once my head hits my pillow but keeps me awake because even though I am so tired, thoughts for the next day grip my mind.
Love. It is all around me. Wherever I go I feel it, I see it and it is returned to me in every way. I feel it with Tim, through laughter from my kids, through hugs from friends, with tears from my family. It is all there and I know I can always count on love to keep me going, set our lives on solid ground and help to prevent our lives from going off course.
Hopeful. I keep telling myself not to lose sight of hope. Some moments I feel doubt. But then I remind myself all things happen for a reason whether good or bad. I push those doubtful feelings aside and keep believing we will be okay; Tim will be okay.
15 comments:
That seems like a rollercoaster of emotions, and you seem to be getting through it -don't forget to take care of yourself :)
(((HUGS)))
Most of us can't even surmise what you go through on a daily basis. I know I can't. You have been on my mind a lot lately, wondering if you are hanging in there, if you're ok, if you're getting enough rest being super woman, if, if, if... Sending many prayers and thoughts of happier and healthier times ahead. We are looking forward to seeing you and Maddy when we come down. Take care of yourself and remember to breathe and count to 100 because 10 is never enough. See you soon. Paula and family (hugs)
If only we could do more, or say something to make it all better... That would be my wish for you. Words to express what we are feeling are so inadequate.
Consider us as just quietly holding your hand across the miles......
I'm sorry for what you and your family are going through. You are a dear, sweet, but strong woman. Your photos below of your children are wonderful. God bless you.
It's a rollercoaster... You seem to be facing it with courage and love.
Hugs!
Amy - hugs through the computer.
Life doesn't seem fair at times. I feel your pain. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. HUGS.
fear and fatigue often go hand in hand as you know. I'm sorry that this happened, I'm sorry this has taken over your life....hugs and Corgi kisses to you.
Amy, Well I hope you feel better after getting that all off your chest! Somewhere, somehow you will gather the strength to get through everyday...because you must keep on going even though all the time you want to holler "STOP, stop the rollercoaster I need to have time to rest, I need just a few minutes."
Hopefully you will get those minutes to recoup..if not..you must still go on..because quiting is not an option. You are a strong woman!:)
You are so incredibly beautiful in your honesty...and, to be honest, you made me cry. I know we don't "technically" know each other but I read posts like this from you and wish I could bring you a hug, an errand runner, a confidante', a cold drink, a laugh, a fun girly movie, and a friend. So my prayer, and my wish, is for continued healing for Tim and that God brings you some relief to this very heavy burden that you carry. At the very least, a good nights sleep. :)
I can only echo what all the others have said.
Know that all of your blogger friends are sending you hugs, strength and love.
Know that Tim loves you more than anything and that can conquer any challenges ahead.
Know that you are still very fortunate to have all this love still in your life...I think of all of the families at Fort Hood who are sitting across from empty places at their dinner table...empty forever....
feel the strength that comes from still having Tim to hold and to love and to laugh with.
Your family is in our prayers.
For those of us who live in Cancerland every day, this is a beautiful and true description of the emotional tapestry that adorns our households. Hold onto your hopes and dreams.
Someone told me today if there was no rain we would not have rainbows. Cancer makes us realize that the small things count the most.It is a rollercoaster, with ups and downs on the ride.
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