The Emotions That Hit Me Everyday
Anxious. A feeling that has followed me around and turned my stomach into a reeling mess of nerves beginning July 24th when Tim first went into the hospital.
Angry. Mad at the world? Yes, sometimes. I feel anger towards this cancer that has taken over our lives.
Sadness. Sad and missing how our lives used to be. Sad and missing the normalcy of before.
Jealous. Jealous of wives with healthy husbands.
Frustrated. So much frustration, too little time to deal with it. Frustrated watching Tim struggle with his setbacks. Frustrated when he is frustrated just trying to tie his shoes.
Patient. I've become a more patient person. At least I feel stronger when I make deals with how I handle impatient moments. However..........
Impatient. When hurdles come my way I scream inside, clench my fists, breathe in, breathe out and try not to lash out to anyone around me.
Happy. Happy times when I can make Tim laugh or we actually joke about silly things such as constipation.
Fear. This is a big one. It comes and goes but is always there reminding me to stay on my toes.
Fatigued. Possibly not classified as an emotion but since it causes my mind to be, I feel it fits in this list as one. Just as Tim is, I am too. The constant running around keeping the house, our kids, the bills, animals, friends and family all in order. I can't imagine what the holidays are going to do to me.
Frazzled. I love this word, frazzled. It is fun to say but I hate its definition. I felt this way the other day when I could not find the pair of jeans I set out to wear. Little did I realize, I was already wearing them.
Numb. My mind does this. Emotions actually become numb and blind for short bits of time. I think this has to do with fatigue.
Relief. Relieved when I see Tim eating well, sleeping through the night, taking a nap, having a happy conversation with a friend, seeing him walking better, and him telling me he feels great.
Deflated. This hits me at the end of the day when I sit down to actually watch TV but can't concentrate on the screen before me. Deflation sets in once my head hits my pillow but keeps me awake because even though I am so tired, thoughts for the next day grip my mind.
Love. It is all around me. Wherever I go I feel it, I see it and it is returned to me in every way. I feel it with Tim, through laughter from my kids, through hugs from friends, with tears from my family. It is all there and I know I can always count on love to keep me going, set our lives on solid ground and help to prevent our lives from going off course.
Hopeful. I keep telling myself not to lose sight of hope. Some moments I feel doubt. But then I remind myself all things happen for a reason whether good or bad. I push those doubtful feelings aside and keep believing we will be okay; Tim will be okay.
