Friday's entry, showing the picture of my husband in better times, was not to scare any of you into thinking our lives are really, pretty awful. Sometimes it does feel that way and I feel challenged and so tired. So tired of it all. Tired of my life. Tired of cancer. So weary for Tim. So helpless at times for him. My reasons for my words the other day were cast out in anger, frustration and simply sadness. Tim went nearly three weeks without any chemotherapy drugs dragging him down. His every two week schedule was bumped to three due to him having an IV med port surgically implanted into his chest. This is to end nurses trying to poke his arm for veins that are becoming smaller, thicker. Many chemo patients have these put in and it really does lessen the pain and bruises he would otherwise have in his arms. With chemo being administered every two weeks and having bloodwork done every week it was the right thing to do.
This past week he had his round of chemo. He had been feeling so great before and now his body was blasted with drugs to kill off cancer cells and block anymore from forming. But with these drugs come other downfalls. They make a person feel like crap; plain and simple. Tired, nauseous, so fatigued. Tim went from feeling so much better than he had in a long time to back to being under the spell of chemotherapy. It is a catch 22 situation. It affects not only him, but me as well. I become angry inside and trapped. These weak moments make me long for our lives before cancer. I sense his pain and want so much to take on the nausea and fatigue and free him from such misery. He's tough though. One tough Irishmen I will tell you that. He handles this so well. He is my hero.
Some things have changed with his chemotherapy protocol recently and that has really bothered him. He has to go in again this Wednesday for a round of one chemo drug instead of two. Then the following week we are back to two chemotherapy drugs. Why things have changed we are still confused however we go by what our doctor here in our town and down at Duke schedule. With all of Tim's medical knowledge, very little gets by him. He knows what his bloodwork means. He knows what is normal and what isn't. I think this sort of puts his doctor in a different perspective at times. They have to realize they are working with a patient who perhaps know just as much as they do. Somewhat conflicting at times it seems. But I feel like I know so much more and have learned so much about human medicine these past months. While I find it interesting, at the same time I find human medicine so increasingly frustrating to be involved in. Tim feels the same way. It is so very different than veterinarian medicine on so many levels.
We are going through some changes in our lives right now and trying to keep afloat and not drift away from one another. We try to keep going as a team and not run into any "foul trouble". We are in this together and I will keep fighting for him the best I can. I have to keep reminding myself not to lose hope and keep praying and be stronger. I think there has been times lately I've lost sight of those things. And I don't want it to be like that.
Your comments to my entry the other day just blew me away. I do know what a wonderful, supportive bunch of readers I have who visit my blog daily. I'm in awe and constantly humbled by your kind words. Do you know how much they bring me back up and make me stand taller? I wish there was a way to thank each and every one of you! You are my and Tim's cheering support network and you make us strong!
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