Tough Choices

The last few weeks have proved interesting to me. Of course the last 20 months have shown me how life is much more interesting and full of surprises, twists and turns and an all around crazy journey.

I have been having a difficult time finding balance in my life lately. Balance between being a mom, wife, and photographer. Juggling all the daily tasks to keep my life, my kids and Yooper's life rolling along smoothly and without hiccups. And I have found it is nearly impossible to steer around those bumps in the road. Especially the road blocks. I hate the road blocks.

With a house renovation coming to a close and so very close to being completed it has taken up my free time with its staining and varnishing trim, casing, doors and soon a stairway. (Note to self: Next time have builder do it. Another note to self: Let's hope there is not another next time.) I am so ready for it to be done. Then I can focus my attention on some outside stuff. Flower beds are high priority!

Recently Yooper and I traveled to North Carolina for his 20 month check up. The stresses leading up to that date are tough. Emotions are all over. Tension is so thick. Let's not even discuss lack of sleep and what that causes. All of this leading up to his appointment and then finding out his MRI scans are still stable. YAY! Phew. All is well for another two months until his next MRI. And I wouldn't feel like I was living my life around those to month MRI's. But I do. If his MRI's were every 6 months or once a year, I think I could come to terms with this brain cancer and probably relax a bit. But I can't. Not yet. It still looms overhead because I know how Glioblastoma works. It's maddening.

I had to make some tough choices last week. It seemed everything was coming to a head. Balance in my life was not there. I felt scattered and pulled in every direction. We arrived home from North Carolina late Tuesday night tired yet so wired. A calf had been born while we were away and while a friend made sure all was well, we still needed to make sure its mama was taking care of it. Wednesday, I tried to regroup and catch up on laundry, cleaning, bills, etc. My two kids I hadn't seen in four days were wanting my full attention.

On Thursday, another calf had been born and it needed to be moved to another part of our barn area. Let me just say, mama cows are not at all forgiving of humans messing with their babies. A second shower that morning due to being knocked over in a pile of muck from an angry mama cow had me sit down and take some much needed breaths for a bit. I ended up curling up in a chair and let my emotions go. It was at that point I realized I needed to slow down and tell myself it was ridiculous to keep going at this pace and expect myself to remain sane and give my family around me any ounce of my attention they needed. And while I sat there and argued with myself over how this and that needed to get done and how was I ever going to be prepared and ready to achieve ANYTHING if I could not find balance?

Yesterday I finally felt some balance and felt relaxed. I accomplished a few tasks on my chore list. I slept in. I didn't rush out of bed. The weather turned nice and warm for awhile and I did some cleaning up outside. By 5 o'clock I was on the front porch with a glass of wine and Ruby by my feet. For the first time in a long while I felt relaxed. I breathed in the warm spring air. Listened to the birds flutter and chirp around me in a nearby tree. Watched Mini Me and her dad throw a softball back and forth to each other. Those kind of things are special to me and calm me down. I feel some normalcy. And I need to find more moments like that for just me. For me, taking that little bit of time to relax outside was my best choice made in a long time.