22 Months

Yesterday was the 22 month mark for Tim. His 22 month MRI was yesterday morning. And last night we found out our 13 year old son has several cysts on his brain. Two. Not one. Two. But they are cysts and not cancer. How? What? When? Why? Oh the proverbial questions you can go crazy over asking yourself and doctors around you. Some answers. Few theories. Only to calm you and not lose hope. And I am not. We aren't.

Tim knew his son was not well at his baseball game. He seemed off. Not himself. Being a moody teenager? Perhaps but not to his dad. He just wasn't right.

Bloodwork, drug test, vitals taken, CT scan, EKG done and an MRI later those cysts are not a big problem. But they are there. They are on my son's brain, inside his skull. My firstborn. My 6 foot, 173 pound 13 1/2 year old son. Soon to be finishing 7th grade. And on his last day of school we will be heading to a well known children's hospital to find out our next step with his diagnosis.

How does one cope with this sort of news? How do you hold on to anything now that the floor you were once feeling safer on has now been pulled out from underneath you? How do you deal with all of the irony, deja vue and surreal moments within these last 24 hours? All of a sudden you look at your son, YOUR SON and realize he has these things going on in his brain. And at the same time you look over at your husband and think "How the heck can this be happening?" This time around I do ask "Why us? Why our son? Why again?" I don't even care about wanting pity. I will have the biggest pity party ever if I want to.

My son has these cysts in his brain. Taking up space. Invading our territory. Creating grief. Fear. Hell.

However through all of this I keep telling myself IT IS NOT CANCER. They are fluid filled cysts. Probably not going to cause any harm except for a possible SEIZURE or other issues could present themselves from the pressure in his brain. Oh how that really does not comfort me all that much. I want my son to be healthy, safe and sound.

Amazingly we are all quite calm. Ironically this is because we have BEEN THROUGH this already. Tim has guided us along. He still is. Knowing what we have learned during this 22 month journey we feel we have quite the ammunition of knowledge about the brain! Funny isn't it? Crazy? Yes. I shake my head.

I feel guilty. I can't explain it. I don't get it. Nothing makes sense. And my faith in God? I don't know. I don't feel the strength. I don't feel like leaning on him. Maybe it is the 4 hours of sleep I have survived on all day. I feel empty and angry and shaking my fists at the heaven's above. Frustration. Lot's of it.

In a week we will find out our next step in this journey. Most likely in a week we will have the results of Tim's 22 month MRI available to us. And he has been doing just fine! His cholesterol levels are down! Down I say! Miraculous and done with no medication but only his strong, confident mindset. I truly love him for this. And his shoulder? His "frozen" shoulder as it has been referred to. Better. He had a MRI ( our health insurance must roll their eyes at us) which showed an injection of a steroid would surely relieve pain and relief. It is working. Things have been good. Going so well.

And then wham. Slap in the face. Punch in the gut. Not so fun times.

What a wild and crazy ride. Have I mentioned roller coasters make me feel uneasy? To hell with the roller coaster. Might as well just push me out of that plane 45,000 feet in the air.